So How Does A Dominant / submissive Relationship Actually Work?
Updated: Mar 20, 2019
I've previously written about how to plan a BDSM session but I have also had clients in the past who have hired me to play the role of a full-time Dominant which is a very different type of experience altogether.
Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships are often surrounded by judgment and misunderstanding by society as a whole so you can imagine how people respond when they hear that women pay you to dominate them 24/7 on a long term basis.
But in truth, we are wading into some pretty deep waters that require a genuine understanding of the submissive mindset because there is ample room for abuse of power.
I say this because without understanding what drives a woman like this and more importantly, your obligation and responsibility as a Dom to give her what she needs, you can both quickly find yourselves in a toxic and mentally damaging relationship.
So this post is aimed at those who are interested in exploring the world of D/s relationships in their personal life, and perhaps those who may intend to offer a D/s or BDSM experience professionally. Hopefully, I'll be able to shed some light on how this special type of relationship can be deeply fulfilling for all partners involved.
With this in mind, I thought I'd take this opportunity to share my observations of a submissive woman's mindset based on the D/s relationships that I've been involved in both personally and professionally.
A submissive State Of Mind
There’s something devilishly seductive about the submissive mindset that fascinates and arouses me in equal measure. The willingness to please, the desire to be nurtured, to grow, to be the best version of themselves and all the while having to balance this raw primal emotion with the everyday.
Not being able to discuss with close friends who would definitely not understand, the fear of being judged as weak or needy, the social isolation one can feel – it takes a strong individual to embrace this lifestyle.
The existence for many in this space is far from simple. It’s not always easy for a submissive to obey their Dom, especially after a long days work when all they want to do is sink into their bed and put their feet up.
Having a title is not a magic potion that will automatically make these things easier, it doesn’t. Submission can be very difficult, it‘s a mental discipline fed by a strong desire to relinquish control. You may be able to make someone submit, but you can’t make them a ‘submissive’ deep down – it’s a mindset. Subs don’t choose to be wired that way, they just are, and the same goes for a Dominant. These desires are conjured up in the depths of the soul, which in turn engages the mind to command the body accordingly if so required.
Everyone’s internal dialogue is different and many may never take the opportunity to live out their desires. For those that do, it can mean a lifetime of servitude and discipline which many subs crave on a deep level – this is something that most will never understand. A sub could be bratty or well behaved, resistant or compliant; there is no one size fits all. Similarly, there is a different Dom for every type of sub but learning how to navigate the selection process can be extremely difficult and frustrating.
Many think that because they assume the title, a lot of the real-life issues don’t apply but sadly this is often not the case. With a D/s dynamic it has all the ingredients to be highly charged and emotional from very early on. Especially if the relationship is entered in to without really having understood who you are dealing with.
I tend to use a contract at the stage when things start to become serious and we are considering taking things to a much more committed level. Now the contract is certainly not necessary and many D/s couples have never even considered one but for me, they provide an effective platform for both parties to discuss and negotiate exactly what they want and where their boundaries are.
There is, of course, the common mistake of negotiating a contract too early and creating an environment that is simply overwhelming. I’ve found it a lot easier to slow down the pace and take time. Learn and grow as you go, look at a contract as a living, breathing document that can evolve with your relationship. If there comes a time when a contract no longer suits your needs, put it aside.
The interesting thing about a contract is that you are able to get a much better understanding of the other persons wants and needs from early on - warts and all. Of course, the temptation to hold back for fear of judgment is not uncommon but I’d have to say that would be counterproductive. Laying your cards on the table can create an environment of openness and honesty but it can also leave you extremely vulnerable. If the pairing is well matched, it can provide a solid foundation to explore and experience a different type of connection that many will never feel.
Being true to yourself is the best way to understand who you really are. For myself, I am a nurturer and a Dominant; I have been for many years, way before I came across anything BDSM related. I completely understand why I’m drawn to a certain type of submissive and the lifestyle that goes with it.
Having an awareness of what a sub actually has to deal with and the difficulties that they may face gives me a deep level of appreciation and respect for them. The willingness and desire to entrust the most cherished parts of their being in the form of body, mind and spirit is beyond heartwarming. I tend to feel a deep level of commitment and protectiveness towards this type of woman even though they are usually perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
I feel a huge level of responsibility rests on the shoulders of a Dom, especially in a 24/7 relationship. The level of servitude from a dutiful submissive should be in direct correlation to the level of commitment from the Dom. The sub is owned by the Dom through consent, but there are equal; what differentiates them are the roles that they assume. Some elements of these roles may even overlap but the distinction should always be there. Once the lines become too blurred, it’s very easy for confusion to set in. Consistency and a commitment to the betterment of the relationship are what maintains a harmonious balance.
Within our society, the submissive seems to be wholly misunderstood and often looked down upon. They can be seen as weak for their desire to serve, to be owned and dominated mentally, physically and spiritually. But for me, I see them as strong, intelligent, sexy and utterly irresistible. I am often forced to ponder who actually serves whom? I sometimes struggle to draw a distinction, but the beautiful thing is I don’t have to – A good Dom also knows how to serve.
So if this is an avenue you're thinking about exploring either in your personal life or professionally, I'd definitely advise you to do your research and find what works best for you and your partner. If your underlying desire is to support and nurture your submissive, you will naturally find a path that provides mutual pleasure and fulfilment.
My thoughts and views are my own and I would never presume to speak on behalf of anyone else, let alone an entire community.
We'll talk again soon.
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